Confessions
by synthroid
Summary: What goes on in the mind of a lover who's had her reason of living stolen?


Confessions,  
by Ana  
  
{Disclaimer: You know, the usual... This is just my mind speaking out loud. ^^}  
  
First I thought I'd hate you for the rest of my existence. That is something I don't like to admit though: hatred is far   
from being a noble feeling and it is the worse poison to one's pure heart. Yet I couldn't help it...  
  
You were the one that took away what you ignored was the reason why I was alive: Him, my special somebody I was   
completely and willingly devoted to. And, all of a sudden, the little time and patience he spent with me (I called   
those "my gift") had vanished.  
  
... No... "Vanished" is not the right expression. His patience and time to *me*, which I had worked so hard to conquer   
from his reserved and rather emotionless personality, became his patience and time to *you*. My gift became yours.   
And I practically convinced myself that he wouldn't think of me ever again.   
  
Then I realised that you weren't to blame for his lack of attention towards me, because that was something under   
*his* control only. Therefore, he was responsible for his actions, for the pain that my heart was slowly drowning in.   
  
As that thought kept on re-visiting my troubled mind, I started growing more and more distant from him each day. Not   
because I wanted to, but because I *had* to. Either that or I'd have fallen apart, for seeing him taking all my declared   
emotions and feelings for granted was more than I could stand. It was more than I was ready to stand.   
  
That's when I put myself in his shoes. He was in love, wasn't he? I knew love too well by then, even though most   
people would label me at that time as a "child that was too young to know about it". Well I did, and I kept on feeding   
it dreams and hopes. It isn't something you can guide, or choose. It simply happens, just like it happened to me...  
  
So... he wasn't intentionally hurting me. If his mind, heart and soul were being misguided, it wasn't his fault. Or yours.   
It was no one's fault except destiny's, that didn't want us to be together.  
  
... Maybe we weren't meant to be in the first place.   
  
After coming to that clever, obvious conclusion, my disillusion-based blindness went away and I could finally see how   
happy he was. The smiles on his lips appeared more frequently, not to mention that they were a million times brighter.   
The essence of his radiant soul was visible in his eyes. Amber eyes that lit up at the sight of you...  
  
Watching him in love, amazing as it may seem, made me feel complete. Even if I wasn't the object of his affection. Of   
course, I was sad about being rejected, yet I came to understand that, somehow, his joy was stronger than the grief   
that urged to take me over.   
  
He will always be the keeper of my heart and soul; he was my first love, my one and only, after all. And as long as he's   
content and satisfied with himself and the life he leads, I'll be fine. Because I know he'll treasure at least one memory   
of me, of the distant time when I used to take care of him: "The Special Sister", he'll name it. That's how he's felt   
about me since I can remember; a sister.  
  
I have always seen you as the one who stole him from me, the one who broke my heart without asking or even   
knowing about it, and I always will. No matter how accustomed to seeing you two together I can be. But I have to say   
that I'm also thankful, because you managed to put down the barrier around his apathetic heart and warm it with your   
power, your own light.  
  
The light that was never in me.   
  
The magical light that will never be in me.   
  
So, if he's safe and warm, I am as well. I believe you are taking good care of both our souls.  
  
Thank you.  
  
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{A/N - Forgive me! I believe I should have explained that this small story was written from Meiling's point of view. ^^   
That should clarify things a little bit for you. Thanks for reading! ^.^} 


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